Patterns of Accommodations of Religious Parents with Children who Abandon Religion: A Comparative Study of Urban and Communal (Kibbutz) Residents

Loving parents characterized by a strong religious orientation may feel ambivalence when their children reject their religious identity. The parents might find it difficult to accommodate to their children's different identity, but at the same time, not want to drive their children away. We examine how this potential conflict situation is managed by focusing on Jews in Israel who take on a non-religious identity after having been brought up by parents who were religiously observant. Our study compares two settings that structurally differ with regard to potential conflict. Study One focuses on urban residents whose grown children were raised in the homes of their families. Study Two focuses on relations in a kibbutz, where children grow up in their own communal housing, apart from their parents. The urban study was based on interviews with 20 religious (Orthodox) Jewish parents and 13 children who are no longer religious (representing a total of 18 households). The kibbutz study was based on interviews with 8 parents and 9 children (representing 17 households). All the “children” studied were in their 20 and 30s. In addition, and most importantly in this study, interviews were conducted with the coordinators of youth activities in 4 religious kibbutz settlements who are responsible for the youth and serve as the liaison between the youth and their parents. In addition, in the kibbutz setting, we had access to the protocols and minutes of meetings held to discuss how the kibbutz settlements relate to the nonreligious children. Our findings emphasize the use of silencing and self-silencing in managing conflict, as the sides are careful to refrain from making demands that might lead to a break in their relationships. Children in the urban setting often cover or mask their non-religious behavior in the presence of their parents, in order to help them maintain face and avoid embarrassment and shame. This includes such acts donning a skullcap by the boys when they approach their parent’s homes, and refraining from driving up to the front of the parents’ houses on the Sabbath, when Jewish law prohibits driving. The children in the kibbutz setting had to manage their relationships with the parents and the kibbutz itself as a separate (though of course, related) entity. A practice that developed, for example was that the children would mask their nonreligious behavior in the central areas of the kibbutz, but the residential area of the children was unofficially off limits to the parents on the Sabbath. This separation prevented unpleasant confrontation on that day. A significant difference between the settings was the attribution of responsibility for the children’s exit from religious life. The rate of exit among urban residents is lower, and more secretive. Families consider it their personal and private “problem.” Their feeling of responsibility and personal shame seems to be greater than in the kibbutz setting. The rate of exit from religious observance in the kibbutz is much higher. The responsibility for religious upbringing (and failure) is more attributable to the institution of the communal residence and to the counsellors appointed by the kibbutz. On a personal level, there seems to be more acceptance of the childrens’ break from religion. Urban parents seem to assume more blame (and consequent shame) for their “failure” to bring up their children properly. The nature of the study precludes us from making substantial generalizations about the prevalence of the findings among the general population. The research does lead us to suggest that in relating to changed identities, it is important to consider the social implications of the change for family relationships and how the family would be viewed by their own friends and relatves, and not just the specific identity that develops as a cause of friction.